Saturday, October 25, 2014

By Comparison

Last month I was invited to a conference.

I was excited to go because all of the other invitees share my standards and beliefs
I was nervous to go because I have social anxiety issues.
 The conference was held at The Wright House in Mesa, AZ which is beyond beautiful!

So many amazing women were there: Beki from Whippy Cake, Kristi & Kelli from Lolly Jane, Aimee & Bettijo from Paging Supermom, Ashley Cooper from Ashley Cooper Design. . . I could go on and on about the talent in that room!

And then there was me.
 I don't feel like I do (or am) anything special.

I'm like these awesome little cacti centerpieces:
kinda fun to look at but you don't want to get too close.
For the life of me I could not figure out why I was invited.
No one there had ever heard of my blog.
Heck, I not even on Wordpress yet!

A few days after the conference an email was sent out to the attendees with a dropbox link to all the pictures that Red Poppy had taken throughout the day. {She's incredibly talented, too!}

Later, we were sent a new link with higher resolution photos.
I slowly noticed that the pictures with me in them had been removed.
I can't say I was surprised. That's kind of the story of my life.

I had to personally request all the photos in this post.

But no wonder!

This whole conference was about sharing goodness
and uplifting others and
look at me:
"If you're happy, notify your face."
-M. Russell Ballard
I need to work on my happy face!

The girl from Taylor Town Design Shop recognized me because she knew my little brother.
This is me trying not to be socially awkward while I talk to her:
Yes, I have a smile on my face but look at my hand ^^.
Fidgeting, scraping my nails against my fingers, twisting my ring around and around.

Why do I do that?
Because I have this little voice in my head that says things like,

"You sound like an idiot."

"She's only talking to you because she feels sorry for you."

"You're smiling too big; it's going to make your wrinkles show even more."

 "I wish my hair was as long and full as hers is."

"I should've worn a different shirt; one that doesn't accent my squishy arms."

And then I have to remind myself to breathe;
to remember to suck in my gut;
to not trip as I walk away.

But still, why do I do that?
Why do I listen to that little voice?!
Why can't I just be happy being me?

Why do I do that? 
I'm stealing my own joy!
I keep re-reading this post over and over, fighting the urge to delete it.
But I've been fighting the urge to write it for over a month. 

I don't like this side of me but I'm learning to deal with it.

I can't tell you why I kept feeling the need to post this;
I just know that I can't ignore it any more.

I mean, there must be a reason I was there. After all, I was invited. =)
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  1. You are beautiful inside and out, as I found out at the Blended Conference!! Keep your chin up and keep smiling!

    1. Jenni, you are so sweet; I adore you! I'll be posting about my experience at Blended soon. It was awesome! I'm so glad we met!

  2. Girlfriend, I love this post! What true honest words that we ALL feel!!!! Yes, you were suppose to be there, you were invited because you have goodness and a voice of truth that shines through. I love when women get real and share how they really feel because it unites us and reminds us that we all have similar insecurities and no one is immune. I regret that I didn't get a chance to talk with you more that day at the conference. I remember you stood up and spoke some profound words though. I am so happy over a year later I stumbled upon this honest blog post of yours and that I was lucky enough to be included with a woman like you that day. Keep up all the wonderful things you are doing, because they are inspiring! xo